Future World Leader

The anticipation is only rivaled by Christmas. Well, maybe Christmas and the Tooth Fairy... Easter Sunday. Somehow before little children awaken, a magical bunny who miraculously lays eggs leaves them all over the property of Gentiles everywhere so the kids can hunt and find them.

Before our eggs are cracked and I smoosh them into egg salad, deviled eggs, or just enjoy the hard boiled goodness in its pure state, I must share this story. It’s a warning to everyone of my generation and those who follow. I have identified a future world threat.
Standing about three feet tall and weighing about 30 pounds, my 3-year-old neice is the most promising dictator-to-be this side of the Pecos. Technically the middle child in her household, she is definitely the most unique, quirkiest child in the family. She seems to study situations before reacting, makes decisions and develops impressions with unwavering certainty, and this morning persuaded all of the other little kids at church to do her egg hunting for her.
Walking around with her pretty basket with faux grass, she followed the other little kids around while inspecting the eggs they found in the shrubbery, on the stone wall, behind the statue of our Blessed Mother, and in other places around the church yard. When one of those children had an egg that caught her fancy, she would compliment the egg, and instruct the child to place it in her basket. "I like that purple egg," she said in a sweet tone of voice while extending her basket toward William, "here... put it in this basket." William did it... so did the others. Each time. They didn’t even realize she was stealing their eggs from them... it was almost as if they thought she was offering to watch the eggs for them so they could collect more. Quite the contrary. She ended up with more eggs than nearly anyone else, and she wasn’t sharing. When it came time for the other kids to collect their eggs she just looked at them as if they had some strange developmental disorder and walked away with her Easter booty.

Commit that face to memory, ladies and gentlemen.

Someday you will see it again. Don’t let the sheen of innocence fool you... inside that head is a cunning and calculating brain that at just three years of maturity has already figured out how to manipulate others so she can gain what she wants. This time it was plastic eggs filled with candy... but tomorrow?

Smoke Screen...

I am SO happy that October first has finally arrived. Why? Because today is day 1 of Tennessee's smoking ban law.

One of the things I've missed most about living in California (other than my dear friends of course) is going out to a bar or restaurant and not leaving smelling like stale smoke. I've always wished that bars and restaurants across the country would put the health of their workers and healthy patrons above the intrusive habit that stinks up the place and drives many people away.
As a former smoker, I can without malice say that habitual cigarette smoking is senseless. It is a waste of money, is harmful to many aspects of a person's health, and shows a person's honest lack of sense. With so much research and so many "stop smoking" resources, there's really no reason for anyone to not seek out an end to the intrusive addiction.

So-- HOORAY for October first! And HOORAY for stinky smokers being forced to take their nasty habit to their homes, cars or at least away from people who otherwise would have the stinky smoke forced upon them!

Blue Ribbon Pig at the County Fair

A woman's weight is a very delicate matter that need not be mentioned, questioned or brought up in mixed company. A woman discusses this with her closest friends and possibly her spouse, but not mere associates, co-workers and certainly not strangers.

With that understanding, annoyed, I write this: Why do people evaluate a pregnant woman's size as would a judge evaluate a hog on display at the county fair?

• A co-worker who was on vacation for 2 weeks just told me "WOW! You're A LOT bigger than you were when I left!" Yeah, well, excuse the language but no shit. That's what happens during a pregnancy-- especially at the end. The baby grows and makes the Mama's stomach poke out more. Congratulations, rocket scientist.
  
• An obviously extraordinarily intelligent store clerk felt the need to inform me that even though I'm currently a full 9 months pregnant (36 weeks) that I am "gonna get a whole lot bigger." Dear rocket scientist 2, please see comment 1.
  
• Yesterday, a co-worker who is so unrelated to me at the office that I can't even remember her name said to me "well, your nose sure hasn't spread!" Right. The baby is in my uterus. Not in my nose. Just because a person is pregnant doesn't mean every extremity has to swell or "spread".
  
• A woman at the office (who are all these crazy people who work here?!?) actually commented on the size of my butt. Honestly. Is that necessary? I mean... it's common knowledge for anyone who has ever seen me in person that I am fairly "shapely" in that area. Right now, my hips are widening preparing to allow another human to pass through, so yeah... I'm sure my hips/hiney area seems a bit bigger. This person is also at least 100 pounds overweight, and has never born a child. I held my tongue instead of giving the comment I really wanted to snap back with: "I'm just trying to catch up with ONE of your cheeks!"
  

To ANY pregnant woman with whom I have EVER had contact, please accept my sincere apology at any reference made to your size, proportion, weight, bodily changes, etc. Goodness...

To EVERYONE: I only have 4 weeks to go before my due date, but the things learned from this lesson can be practiced for a lifetime... be kind, be supportive, and above all, be quiet when it comes to interjecting comments regarding a pregnant woman's body. (or any woman's body!)

RUDE registry!

You get the excited phone call from your newly engaged friend, and expect those invitations to start showing up a few months later. Let the showers begin! HOWEVER, before a bridal registrant (or baby registrant for that matter!!) gets too crazy with the "UPC lazer gun" in the store, she needs to understand that her registry selections CAN BE DOWNRIGHT RUDE!!

Case in point: a recent registry purchasing experience of mine... The bride-to-be either didn't pay attention to direction from the registry consultants, didn't read the instructions on how to select items in "price ranges" or just plum doesn't care about the price ranges available to the finances of her guests. Every item on that registry, save a few pillow cases (and honestly, who would give a pair of pillow cases and nothing else?) is priced in the $50+ range.

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away (okay, it was only about 13 years ago, and was in Arkansas...) I was a bridal registry consultant. It was a REALLY fun job... and part of the job is explaining this to registrants:

1. vary your registry items by category
2. vary your registry items by several specific price points ($10.00-$25.00) ($25.00-$50.00) ($50.00-$100) ($100+) and make sure the low and middle end ($10-$50) categories are the HEAVY ones. It doesn't matter if you don't want all that stuff... you can take it back, and returns ARE EASIER if they are items that are on your registry-- because not everyone is kind (or polite) enough to give a gift receipt.
3. Register for what you want, but do not over-register. You do NOT need two sets of fine china, three sets of sheets for two or three different beds, etc.
4. Register early enough for your showers, but not so early that you end up changing things around by the time "giftable" events come around. 12-16 weeks before "the event" (whether baby or wedding) is sufficient
   

...and don't even get me started on how late invitations are arriving! 8 days before an event? HOW RUDE! Standard etiquette says ONE MONTH, people. ONE MONTH. So, whether you're the hostess or the guest of honor... please help the guests by being polite about the timliness of the invitations! Everyone will appreciate it!

Ten years is a lifetime... and no time at all.

Not many of those "friend surveys" forwarded through e-mail will be completed by this blogger. Usually it's because I lack the time or inclination. However, recently one posted by a dear friend of mine got me thinking. The survey was entitled "How have you changed in the last 10 years." In my opinion, that's worth more than a survey.

Calling to mind who I was 10 years ago is like trying to recall my birth. I just can't remember. I'm not the same person I was when I came into this world. I'm not the same person I was when I came into my 20's. I have pictures. I have college report cards and sorority scrapbooks... but have no idea who I was. I don't even remember "20-year-old Jane." I know that I was in school, that I lived with an incredible roommate who remains a dear friend today, that I drove a little red Mazda with a sunroof that I usually had open-- even in the cold weather, because I loved having the sunroof so much. But... that's not who I was-- that's what I did, or my "then" situation.

Things that are brought to mind are the lectures of my elders that "you're so young..." and "you'll understand when you grow up..." which likely received sighs, huffs or eye-rolls in return. The thing is, the only honest recollection I can make of my true self 10 years ago is that I was exceedingly immature. I thought I knew everything and was very impressed with myself.

Now, I hear myself trying to guide younger people who show shades of that 20-year-old person I barely remember in myself. I hear their "know-it-all" replies and just sigh... wondering if there's ever a 20-year-old who will actually listen to anyone older than they... and take to heart the words of wisdom... saving themselves weeks or years of ridiculous, immature, foolish behavior.

As I sit in my home, thanking God for somehow pulling me out of the ridiculousness that I used to call my fabulous life, I cannot imagine how I've changed... all I know is that I have. As my daughter kicks inside of me as to remind me that she's getting ready to greet the world, I cannot fathom what I deemed vital.

Many things seem so much more foolish to me now; such important matters as who thinks what about whom and the goings-on of different people over a weekend... time spent with associates I called friends... who were just in my life because of circumstance, not because we truly cared about each other. Oh, the time that was wasted!

I find utterly ridiculous the mindless rambings and ridiculous prioritizations of people in the age group of my "20-year-old" self; finding a boyfriend, keeping a boyfriend, breaking up with a boyfriend, trips to the lake over a weekend... The sacrifices made by foolish girls for such fleeting things are just crazy. I find even more ridiculous those same childish ramblings from people of my "now" age group. Thank God I was given the graces to grow up!

So. How have I changed in the last 10 years?
The most important entity in my life is God, not me.
I can see 5 years from now... not 5 weeks.
A Friday night spent relaxing at home is cherished, not laughable.
Money doesn't mean more stuff. It means more savings for security years down the road.
My sweet pets are companions, not hobbies.
Friends are cherished commodities, not useful socialization tools... of which I'd rather have 1 great one than 100 others.
Family is precious, not a pain in the butt.
I'd rather give up some time, comforts and luxuries now to establish more security, flexibility and happiness years from now.
Work is a means to create financial security, not a profession that defines the "who" of me.
My social circle is delightfully diminished... leaving more time for people that really matter.
Most writings done by me are done for joy- for family- for memory... not for profession, for pay, to make an impression.
I prefer biting my tongue to arguing, allowing my thoughts to fully develop so they can be coherently shared and discussed with the opposing viewpoint.
Yelling is not okay, but simply a less sophisticated form of communication.
Love isn't a tool to gain things... it's a gift for others.

How have you changed?

If you could shake hands with yourself in 10 years, how would you hope to have changed into a better person than you are today? What are you doing to become that person?

Don't answer for me. Answer for yourself.

I wonder...

I wonder, through my years of product recommendations, word of mouth "talk-ups" and straight testimonials for products and services, how much money I've made for the hundreds of companies, shops, restaurants and marketing firms.

I wonder how much money would have come my way if any of those businesses would have paid me a commission for recommending their products that I was already using and for which I was paying them.

Interesting question, don't you think?

AMAZING!

It is truly amazing how widely overused extreme adjectives (i.e. "amazing") have become. People have overused "awesome" for years; beat into the ground "unbelievable" and even pummeled "fabulous" and "wonderful" into a bloody pulp. I find it to be a tremedously embarrassing exhibition of the modern conversationist's limited vocabulary.

If a person would honestly look at the meaning of the words he is so brutally overusing, he would see the grand manner in which he is overstating most, if not all, of his experiences and exclamations.

Please take note of the overuse of the following "usual suspect" lineup and allow yourself to sound more intelligent by implementing their proper use in your own every day language. People may be amazed at howintellectual you sound!



amazing: to overwhelm with sudden wonder, astonish treatly, perplexing, bewildering

astounding: capable of overwhelming with amazement; stunningly surprising, to astonish or bewilder

awesome: inspiring awe, expressing awe (awe is defined as an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful, or the like: in awe of God; in awe of great political figures.)

exceptional: forming an exception or rare instance; unusual; extraordinary, unusually excellent; superior

extraordinary: beyond what is usual, ordinary, regular, or established, exceptional in character, amount, extent, degree, etc.; noteworthy; remarkable

incredible: so extraordinary as to seem impossible, not credible; hard to believe; unbelievable

magnificent: making a splendid appearance or show; of exceptional beauty, size, etc., extraordinarily fine; superb, noble; sublime

outstanding: prominent; conspicuous; striking, marked by superiority or distinction; excellent; continuing in existence; remaining unsettled, unpaid, etc., standing out; projecting

phenomenal: highly extraordinary or prodigious; of or pertaining to phenomena. of the nature of a phenomenon; cognizable by the senses.

remarkable: of the nature of a phenomenon; cognizable by the senses. worthy of notice or attention.

spectacular: of or like a spectacle; marked by or given to an impressive, large-scale display. dramatically daring or thrilling

stunning: causing, capable of causing, or liable to cause astonishment, bewilderment, or a loss of consciousness or strength; of striking beauty or excellence

terrific: extraordinarily great or intense; extremely good; wonderful; causing terror

unbelievable: too dubious or improbable to be believed; so remarkable as to strain credulity; extraordinary

wonderful: excellent; great; marvelous, of a sort that causes or arouses wonder; amazing; astonishing



I find it interesting how these "extreme" adjectives find themselves as part of each others' definitions in many cases. That is possibly because they are so select that they belong in a less frequently used class of their own.

Merry ChrismaHannaKwansiDan!

The dirtiest four letter word around seems to be Xmas. Recently, I posted the following bulletin, and received the response that is posted immediately following:



BULLETIN:

Christmas cards!



This is coming early (really early) so that you can get ready to

include an important address to your list.



Read on........



What a GREAT idea!



Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.



As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.



Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it

Here's the Address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's Not the Christian Way, you know!)



ACLU

125 Broad Street

18th Floor

New York, NY 10004



Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 39 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree". . . . It's a Christmas Tree even in the fields!!



And pass this on to your total email lists... and re-post it on message boards, myspace... everywhere. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!



RESPONSE:

All right, Jane... You are too young to be so cynical. That's my job. They're not trying to get rid of Christmas; they're trying to make sure ALL holidays get acknowledgment. You know that.





To my darling friend who sent me that response, I respectfully disagree. Below is a list of the holidays that are getting acknowledgment aside Christmas, causing people to be afraid to bid each other Merry Christmas, but instead Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings



Kwanzaa: This is NOT A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY. It is a secular festival celebrating African heritage of black Americans. It lasts seven days, starting the day after Christmas.

It was created by Maulana Karenga in the 1960s and was first celebrated in 1966. Kwanzaa is based in part on traditional African harvest festivals but particularly the roles of family and community in traditional African culture that are translated into modern day black American culture.



Chanukah/Hanukkah: Jews celebrate The Festival of lights, the Feast of Consecration, or The Feast of the Macabees which directly translates into the word Chanukah. The festivals happens near the time of winter solstice and lasts eight days. Described to me by the Jewish mother of an old beau of mine, Hanukkah really isnt that big of a deal when commercialism took hold, it was another way for retailers to make money. Its not that bad, because at least the Jewish kids dont feel left out of the gift-giving. Mrs. Hechtkopf was right at least the commercialism is being spread equally.



Ramadan: The ninth month of the Muslim year during which all Muslims must fast during daylight hours. Indulgence of any sort is forbidden during the fast. Ramadan celebrates the first revelation of the Quran. Described to me by a dear friend of mine who practices Islam, it is much akin to the Christian period of Lent, the 40 days preceding Easter, during which people fast and give up things as a form of atonement.



Our society, in an attempt to not offend its neighbors has allowed itself, to a degree, to become watered down so much that bidding Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings is more common and more COMFORTABLE than bidding a Merry Christmas. This is hogwash. I am proud of my Saviors birth. After all, Christmas broken down comes from Mass= birth and Christ=savior.



Im no cynic, but if one insists on calling me such then please, give me the honor of quoting a famous cynic Mr. Ebeneezer Scrooge:



I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.



A Merry Christmas to every-body!

The best response may be no response at all.

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words."

-Elbert Hubbard, Amercian editor, publisher, and writer 1856-1915

Temptation beats at each of our doors daily. It takes different forms. In my case, compulsive spending, impulse buying, laziness and over eating are my main recognized demons. Note, I wrote RECOGNIZED demons. There are others that sneak around my life that I've yet to clue into.

Another form of temptation I recognize fighting is arguing a point. It has taken a lot for me to learn to bite my tongue. At reading that,those who know me the most would probably say "Bite her tongue? Jane? Never!" That only illustrates what a hard time I have at controlling the sharp weapon of pointed speech.

How interestingly this quote reminds us that some people, no matter how often we spread our good thoughts or God's truths, are deaf to it. How powerful silence can be for these people... who may learn more from our actions than our words. When pushed, insulted and otherwise negatively engaged by others, how about, as my wonderful sister says, "shut your pie hole," and show by example how unconditional our Christian love is.

The reason I say "I love you"

It was a drive he made a million times. For nearly 30 years, he called Little Rock home, though his career took him back and forth from Fayetteville over and over. Now, he's made the drive for the last time.

Paul Eells, who my Arkansas friends know as "The Voice of the Razorbacks", is a dear man. Or, now, shall I say "was" a dear man. Paul was killed on an Arkansas highway while driving home from Northwest Arkansas where he spent many treasured moments. I have known Paul for years, and have had the pleasure of knowing his sweet wife as well. Ask anyone who knows Paul and they'll probably say one of several things... (1) He's the nicest man I've ever known (2) There's something so special about Paul (3) I've never heard that man complain (4) What a wonderful man!

The thing is, if anyone knew Paul and didn't like him, then there HAD to be something wrong with that person.



Paul's untimely and lightning-flash fast death is a tragic illustration of why I always tell EVERYONE I love that I love them. I say it to my husband every morning and remind him that there's precious cargo in his vehicle, and for him to drive accordingly. I say it every time I get off the phone with or leave the presence of my family. I tell my friends. It may seem like an overkill... an everyday overkill... but it's not.



You see, Paul didn't know he'd never complete his drive home. Can you imagine the thoughts that would haunt his dear wife had she not reminded him of her extraordinary love for him before they last parted? Knowing the Eells family, I know she did. They were so in love... eternal newlyweds.

I'm eternally in love with my family and my friends... all of them. That's the reason I say "I love you."

The ONLY thing that should have THAT texture is ACTUAL cottage cheese.

Dear women who obviously have no one who:

(a) has the guts to tell you when clothes are unflattering

(b) cares about you enough to explain how rippley your backside is

(c) will go shopping to "yea" or "nea" your purchasing options

Your pants look bad. Lycra, rayon, silk and polyester cling to your cellulite. It's gross. Not only are your pants too tight, but they're hugging the wrong places. Some people may enjoy women with curves... but they're probably admiring a nice smooth contour of bosom or bottom, not mutiple contours on said bottom.

Get a tax deduction by donating the clothing that you wear, which won't look bad on EVERYONE, but is totally unflattering on you, and buy a three-way mirror and some new eyeglasses so you can make sure your future clothing choices are modest and tasteful.

xoxoxoxoxo

-me

FABULOUS

How does it feel to be 30? If the first 10 hours of my first day in the 30th year of my life are any indication... the answer to that question is FABULOUS.



12am-7am Restful deep sleep next to the most wonderful man in the world and three precious pups who I love and who love me back

7am Awakened by said perfect hubby with kisses and that's where the details stop

7:55am Receive call from one of my favorite people (Alexis) who wishes me a happy birthday, tells me she loves me and then chats for a while catching up on the latest "do's"

8:00am Still on the phone with said FABULOUS girl and said ADORABLE husband hands me my first birthday gift of the day: A GORGEOUS Coach wallet that smells like ... well, beautiful expensive leather from which it was expertly crafted.

8:03am Still on the phone with WONDERFUL girlfriend as said THOUGHTFUL hubby says bye for the day, hugs and kisses, and then we spy a surprise at the back door as he heads out. It is birthday gift #2. I open the envelope and see a VERY THOUGHTFUL original work of poetry written by my PRECIOUS Mom-in-Law and pictures of the Hibiscus trees that she has purchased for me that will soon be delivered. Coo over poem on phone with SASSY DIVA who is still hanging on the line probably wanting to go, but also probably enjoying my sqeals of glee and overall happiness. Kiss FANTABULOUS husband again as he heads out the door.

8:05am Get off the phone with UNBELIEVABLY SWEET friend who has to go teach swimming lessons to youngsters.

8:10am Open Coach wallet again, insert nose, breathe in leather. Yummy. Fall to my bed giggling with utter glee and get puppy kisses from PRECIOUS furbabies.

8:15am Search for fabulous sunglasses because, even though it's overcast, there's no excuse to NOT wear Dior when I have two ears and a nose on which fabulous glasses should rest during all periods of outdoor presence.

8:20am Locate Dior frames, apply to face, grab doggie treats, grab purse and gym bag, hit the burglar alarm to set and head for the back door. Award precious pups with treats as is my habit when leaving for any extended period of time (which includes anything more than 5 minutes). Get in car. Notice there's a text message on my cell phone from my INDESCRIBABLY WONDERFUL friend Lauren:

LAUREN: Happy birthday! I love you! (I would call and sing to you but I'm still not in talking mode... xoxo)

MY REPLY: Thank you! It is already a wonderful day! I just wish you were well. Feeling any better at all?

LAUREN'S REPLY: Not really. I still have a 102 fever and the Dr. said I won't feel better 'till my fever breaks.

Extremely bummed that the FABULOUS LB is sick, say a prayer for her quick recovery while noticing I have a voicemail message.

8:25am check voicemail. Message is from PERFECT husband. It was delivered last night while I was out drinking with work friends who were toasting to ME! :-) It was sweet and perfect and made me love him more... as each of his actions usually does.

8:26am Call Sweet Dad and Mom-in-Law to say thanks for the Hibiscus trees (which I was planning to purchase for our yard, but that sneaky wonderful Rita beat me to it!!) and talk to Dad for a bit, break the news to him that the hibiscus trees will look great around the pool that we're going to build... hear the disapproval in his voice and remind him that it'll be fun. He says okay, and gets Mom who sings happy birthday to me in a jazzy fashion. Tell Mom I LOVE the trees and they gave me the perfect opportunity to let Dad know about the pool finally, Mom says thanks. Tell Mom that I want them to come to dinner next Friday night with my parents, she sais GREAT. Chat for a few minutes, arrive at work, walk in and am greeted with birthday wishes all around. BEAM with glee.

8:30-8:55am Talk with several different co-workers about absolutely nothing having to do with work... namely, ME and it's my birthday.

8:56am Return to office to find a birthday gift in my chair. It's from Fatima, one of my favorite co-workers, who is just SO MUCH FUN to be around... excitedly rip the paper off and receive TOTALLY CUTE picture frame that looks like a little ladder.

8:57am Go hug Fatima's neck and kiss her sweet face repeatedly and then chat for a while

9:10am Retreat to basement level to go see Glenda (newsroom executive assistant) and Jim (News Director and dear friend) and stay down there for a while, chatting with each of them individually and having a dearly treasured insult fight with Jim... always a pleasure.

9:30 return to office... get more birthday messages including but not limited to several voicemails and texts from more fabulous friends

9:40am log onto MySpace and see that my inbox is blown out with messages from MORE terriffic friends who I LOVE SO MUCH!! (thanks y'all!!)

9:55am Finish reading all of the well wishes, reply to a few e-mails, answer phone call from sister wishing me "happy birthday" and decide to write a blog about this FABULOUS day, my dear friends, my wonderful family, my great job, my incredible co-workers, my UNBELIEVABLE boss and all around blessed existance... all to say thanks to God.

10:25am finish writing blog, grab coach wallet. Breathe in leather...

The "new rules" for dating

While checking my hotmail account, I stumbled onto a ridiculous article meant for people who are in the dating world. Having recently exited that group of people, now a happy bride, I find no need for the article since my DH and I are perfectly happy with our continuing dating habits. I do, however, wish to field some information of this sort for the greater good of my darling single friends who I so adore. The article I found was on the MSN homepage with the title "HOT ON HOTMAIL: LADIES- DATING'S NEW RULES" I think the MSN content editors picked the wrong "H" adjective. They should have written "Hogwash on Hotmail".

The article's author, a self-described singleton who seems to use "The Rules" as a cafeteria menu, has assumed a role of instructing on dating how-to when it doesn't seem she's at all successful. Below are the four rules she gave and the reason(s) they are hogwash.

Rule #1: Game-playing can be exciting, not evilGame-playing is cheating. It's not cheating the person you're dating. It's cheating YOU. Don't play games unless that's how you'd have someone treat you. You wouldn't want that... no one would. It's the golden rule. Games are always wrong. Be true to yourself and you'll have nothing to fear.

Rule #2: Ladies, take his number Ladies, DO NOT TAKE HIS NUMBER. In the whole of nature, the MALE is the aggressor. Allow him to be. You are worth a little effort. HELL, YOU'RE WORTH A LOT OF EFFORT. He is, too, however... he's also BY NATURE the aggressor, so please allow the natural flow happen and let him do the chase. It's not game playing. It's how God made us. If a guy won't go so far as to search the bar/restaurant/club/church/city park (wherever you've met) for a pen, why do you think he'll EVER put effort into you? If he asks for your number, let him do the legwork. If he doesn't ask for your number, NEXT! Trust me, there WILL be a next, and maybe he'll be worth your time and will REALIZE that you're worth his effort.


Rule #3: Guysquit with the complimentsGuys, don't quit with the compliments. If you think a girl has on nice shoes, COMPLIMENT THEM. If you think she has pretty hair, TELL HER. If you like the way her skirt flits in the breeze like a lazy butterfly, SAY IT. You won't sound dumb. Trust me. YOU'LL GET BROWNIE POINTS FOR NOTICING THAT SHE'S WEARING SHOES, that she HAS hair, that you noticed that she put on a pretty skirt and can point out one of the many qualities she admired when she tried it on in the dressing room of whatever store from which it was purchased.

Rule #4: You dont always have to be yourselfSHUT UP. You don't have to be, but you should be. Who are you representing if not yourself? If you're not yourself, WHO ARE YOU!?!? If you're not yourself, how do you ever expect anyone to know you... if you go around masquerading as someone else (maybe not in costume... but in attitude) then how is ANYONE to know who you are... and who you're pretending to be? The MAIN thing I'd go back and change about many (if not all) of the 'relationships' I've flitted in and out of in my life, I'd say this was it. I was so worried about doing something that "he wouldn't like" or that "he'd think was goofy" or whatever... that I went around being a shadow of myself. You know what... I can do air guitar and lip sync into a hairbrush in front of my DH and SURE HE THINKS I'M GOOFY... but I AM goofy. I'm me. I'm goofy. Be you. Be whatever YOU are. Whatever you are, you're beautiful and unique... and always be THAT.

Natalie Krinsky of Happen Magazine penned those ridiculous rules. (Has anyone ever heard of this magazine, or is it just that I'm living under a rock??) I have one note for Ms. Krinsky. It follows.

Dear Ms. Krinsky,
After reading your article, it is plain to see why you are single and will be for the forseeable future. You haven't a clue.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Gossett

Patchwork

A lot has happened in the last 10 years. That's putting it mildly. Still, I find the compulsion to search for friends of yesterday and am thrilled when I find them.

My running-buddies throughout the years have changed quite a bit. As I went through my phases while fighting to find out who I really am, my friends changed a bit. Sure, there are the few that stuck... like Weezy* and Herman*, but for the most part, they were "phase friends". The goodie-goodie phase, the pothead phase, the punk phase, the sorority girl phase, the hippie phase, the yuppie phase... you get it. Only now that I can say I've figured out who I am and I'm all PHASED OUT... can I say I still love each and every person who has befriended me throughout the years.

Example: Craig. Out of the blue he sprung to mind so I searched for his name online. I found him on MySpace. I sent him a message and now we're back in touch. I feel a little bit of my "long lost friend" void lovingly filled now. I still love him. I always have. He was one of those friends who just makes you feel better if you're within a five mile radius of each other. The breath of fresh air, the person who'll sit and complain with you when you're in a mood to cuss the world... that was Craig. Well, it seems that IS Craig. I just love him to pieces. He's such an important part of who I am now because of the influences and love he gave me in years past.

He's just one example; the most recent "fabulous find." There are others. And I love them, too.

Isn't it odd that as we grow and change, little pieces of ourselves stay with us like a patchwork quilt. We wouldn't each be the individual work of art we are without all the squares, all the stitches, all the patches from tears, rips and heartache. We wouldn't be nearly as beautiful if we'd just dropped the squares when we were finished stitching them... I'm so glad to hold on; I'm so blessed to be able to hold on.

Do the shuffle! deet do deet do deet de de deet doo...

Working on my laptop from home today, I am stuck between business and boredom as the head cold I'm currently battling has my head spinning when I concentrate on one thing for more than 10-15 minutes. So, I started fooling around with things that take no concentration. Namely, I'm borrowing experiements from my friend Lula Mae. Lula Mae is fabulous, and always has great ideas, so I thought her IPod shuffle experiment would be fun to do for myself.

BACKGROUND: Lula Mae couldn't figure out why anyone would spend the dough on an iPod shuffle when a Mini costs a comparable amount, and you don't always have to be in shuffle mode. SO, like Lula Mae, I decided to set my iPod to shuffle mode and see what comes of it.

Here we go. First 20 songs to play on shuffle mode.

1. Cherish/Madonna

2. Heart of Glass/ Blondie

3. It's Not Right But it's Okay (Club Remix)/Whitney Houston

4. Elegantly Wasted (Radio Edit) / INXS

5. Tap The Bottle/ Young Black Teenagers

6. To Be Real/ Patti LaBelle

7. No Sleep Till Brooklyn/ The Beastie Boys

8. Ice Ice Baby/ Vanilla Ice (you KNOW you know the words to this!)

9. Fire/ Ohio Players

10. Serious/ Gwen Stefani

11. Summer Wind/ Michael Buble

12. Travelling Without Moving/Jamiroquai

13. Dream Lover (Def Club Mix) /Mariah Carey

14. What You Waiting For?/Gwen Stefani

15. Pump It/ Black Eyed Peas

16. You Can Do It/Ice Cube

17. La Cerveza/ Elvis Crespo

18. Beautiful/ Christina Aguilera

19. Flashlight/ Parliament

20. Word Up!/Cameo

Great experiment. While I hand picked the songs that are in my iPod, the order in which they were played made absolutely no sense.

SCORE:

JGo= 1

iPod shuffle= 0

Lula Mae= 3,786,232,415.5

DISCLAIMER: My iPod exists for the sole purpose of accompanying me at the gym so I don't have to (a) listen to the minimum of three conflicting music/sound choices in the gym which include but are not limited to blasting televisions, radio loudspeaker system and conflicting aerobics class music simultaneously playing (b) acknowledge anyone who speaks to me (c) seem remotely friendly or interested in anything other than what I'm there for. That said, there are a few non-"workout" songs in my iTunes, but why the heck am I explaining this to you? Like I need to justify it or something.... er, um

Yes ma'am, I am.

Consideration of others and public politeness is evident most everywhere you go in The South. It is carved into the very soul of the Southern born and well bred. One very distinct form of this politeness is the use of titles when referring to anyone who is a senior to the speaker, or if not senior by age, senior by position.
"Sir" and "ma'am" are commonly associated with The South and her native folk. They are, however, not "Southern" per se; "Sir" and "ma'am" are accepted titles of respect in many cultures and countries. It's not "Southern" it's simply polite.
A northern-born friend of mine recently told me she becomes embarrassed when she 'slips' and uses a polite title to address someone who is interviewing her for a job in her current city, Philadelphia. You see, the wonderful friend of whom I speak has spent the last several years in Memphis, TN where some of our "Southern Style" rubbed off. How sad it truly is that simple politeness is cause for one to be "embarrassed" or feel uncomfortable. My reply to her, "Good manners never go out of style." I recommended she hold tight to the good manners that, thank God, have a way of infecting the otherwise unknowing mind so to spread throughout the world as beautiful kudzu spreads throughout the Southern landscape.
Teach your children politeness. It is the ONE thing that will separate them from the pack. Good manners separate the 'classes,' not money. A man with a pauper's purse is able to gain every bit the respect as a tycoon if he conducts himself as a gentleman.
Ask any employer if it makes a difference to be referred to in a polite manner, and you'll probably get the same answer. "Yes, sir!" (or ma'am)
Ask me if I'm glad I'm Southern and possess the *ahem* embarrassing "side effects" thereof. I'll answer you "YES MA'AM, I AM!"

An ending and a beginning

I've had the great honor of witnessing two of life's phenomena in one week:
The end of life
The beginning of life
I'll begin at the ending. I didn't know the man, but I know part of what he left behind. My friend Crandall lost her father this week, and I am honored to call myself one of her friends and fortunate enough to have been able to attend her father's funeral so I could take part in celebrating his life and praying for him in death. With inexplicable strength and humor, Crandall's mother spoke of her late husband candidly, drawing laughs and tears from all who heard. A bittersweet experience, I am now touched by a remarkable man I never had the honor of truly knowing.
Yesterday, my sweet friend Jessica and her husband Cory allowed me to horn in on an ultrasound (FOUR-D!!! IT'S SO COOL!!!) of their new baby who is now about three months away from being ready to join the extra-uteran world. I'm so excited for my dear friends and cannot wait to meet their darling gift from God. I truly believe that pregnancy is a gift... one with which I hope to blessed. So many women spend their pregnancies wishing them away, but as Erma Bombeck said, a woman's pregnancy is "The only opportunity a human will ever have to actually help God complete a miracle." What a beatuiful thing. It was magical to see that little face that exists inside my friend's womb... to count the 10 perfect little toes, 8 perfect little fingers and two thumbs.. to see him/her (or HIMER as we're calling the baby now...) in that perfect state... that development happening each moment-- to see Himer's hands block the precious mouth we were straining to see... and then catch a glimpse as Himer opened Himer's eyes.... To watch the heart thump, ump... thump, ump... thump, ump.. as it pulses blood through that tiny little body-- and actually SEE the heart beating.. wow!

I am touched to have been a party to each of those events. I am ashamed at my lack of ability to put the impact and importance of them into words.
Treasure life. Treasure human life in all forms. Live EVERY SINGLE DAY for the glorification of the awesome God who loves you completely.

DAILY OFFERING
My God, I offer you all my works, prayers, joys, pains and sufferings of this day in communion with the Holy sacrifice of Mass throughout the world, for the reparation of my sins and for the intention of all the souls in purgatory.

Deep thoughts from Lula Mae

"I wish they had a Hallmark card for this type of a thing," Lula Mae said while discussing how to approach a dear friend to help convince her that it's time to lose those extra pounds that keep piling up and up and up.
"You know, one of the cute ones with a funny character like the old wrinkly shoebox lady. I even know what it could say," she continued

"Honey, you know we love you..."
"...now lose weight so someone else will."

BAD, BAD Benihana!

The evening was a success. After having spent Father's Day away from home, we succeeded in "making it up" to Rogers' dad for having not been here on the actual day. We spent the day with my father in Arkansas this year because otherwise, he'd have been completely alone.

With stuffed bellies, the four of us walked out of the Benihana hibachi grill restaurant to crawl into the car and head home. I noticed my driver's license was sitting in the car console, so I went to place it in the wallet inside my purse where it belonged. But... oops! It wasn't there. Knowing what a forgetful clutz I can be, I figured I'd just absentmindedly left it at the grill where we had our dinner. So, I went back in and asked permission to go up and look. The hostess, in a fairly rude manner, invited me to "go ahead" up to the dining area through a "shoo-shoo" gesture.

There were already new diners sitting at the grill where I'd had dinner. I looked around and saw nothing. No purse, no wallet.. nothing. I asked the server who was helping the grill's new occpants with their drink order. I asked the bus boy who was sweeping the area's floor. The manager came over to me and asked if I'd found anything. I wanted to hold out my empty hands and say "No, but do you like my new puppy? His name is Herman," because of course I hadn't found anything or I'd be HOLDING IT and leaving the restaurant. Instead, I said "No, sir... has anything been turned in?" He curtly answered, "No." and made a "right this way" gesture with his arm toward the ramp leading back to the front door. I thought he was going to lead me to the lost and found. Halfway down the ramp, I sensed that I was alone and turned to make sure the manager was still walking with me. He wasn't. He was standing at the top of the ramp staring at me with disapproval.

When I reached the car, Rogers asked me what happened inside and who I spoke with. I relayed the events to him and he became displeased. He went back inside to see if a man could get any better treatment than his wife had received. While the manager spoke to him, the manager also refused to search for my "life in a bag," saying that he would not ask his employees about a burglary of this sort because he "trusts them." He then suggested that I may have misplaced it at another location. Um... no, sir. I had it there. In your establishment... the same establishment at which my family just spent more than $100 on a Japanese meal that was cooked by an authentic Mexican named Raymond.

The credit cards are canceled. I'll go get my new Kroger card, Library card, Costco card, Sam's Club card and will work on remembering what else was in that wallet that needs to be handled. I pray for the wretched theif who took what is mine. I also am copying this blog to the corporate headquarters of Benihana restaurants to let them know how HORRIBLY an innocent crime victim and CUSTOMER was treated by the rude staff at their establishment.

I'm stunned by the way I was treated; while I have enjoyed Benihana restaurants in several cities, I encourage my friends to boycot the Memphis location because of the poor treatment and negative regard in which its patrons are held.

A hot-button topic today on all the national news stations is the vote on the "same sex" marriage amendment. I don't expect it to be approved, but I'm still praying for a miracle.

*WHAT DID SHE SAY? OH MY GOODNESS!! THIS CHICK IS A BIGOT! J.J. IS A GAY-BASHER!*

No, I'm not. Sorry to burst the bubble. I love all men equally because that is what Christ has asked of me. I am a Christian. I love my neighbor: enemy or friend regardless of their choices. I am not without fault, sin and regret... I have no place to judge. I used to hold grudges, hate and carry distain. What a heavy load that was! SO, I dumped it. I love my friends because they're good people. I love my friends because they're true to me, and most of all because Christ instructed us to love each other. I love my friends whether they are gay or straight, and yes, I have gay friends. Yes, they know my beliefs. Yes, they know I love them.

A Christian cannot, in good faith, protest the sanctity of the religious institution of marriage in being defined by man as being for one man and one woman.

If "man" chooses to allow "same sex unions" or "civil partnerships" or HOWEVER you define whatever the relationship is, then that's "man's" law. I prefer to live by God's law, and He spelled it out fairly simply for us. God left us a survival guide. You should check it out. It's the best selling book of all time.

"You shall not lie with a man as one lies with a woman. It is an abomination." Lev. 18:22

MARRIAGE is a Sacrament instituted by Christ:
"From the beginning of creation God made them male and female. This is why a man leaves his father and mother, cleaving to his wife and they become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together let no one separate." Mr.10:6-9, Mt.19:4-6
I respect my friends and know that we all have a free will. Regardless of how anyone uses his free will, I love him and respect God's creation of him. I expect their respect of me as God's creation in return, as I expect their respect of God's institution of marriage which I entered with my husband about 1 year ago. It's an insult to my husband and to me that our holy union, the vows we took to God that we'd love, honor and obey/cherish each other, the Sacrament we administered to each other, would be made so common as a generalized union. "Common law marriage," maybe. "Marriage," hardly.

WHY IS IT AN INSULT, J.J.?
Simple. Look at God's REASONS for instituting the Sacrament of Matrimony and your question is answered.
The Bible gives three purposes of marriage: (1)Procreation & bringing up children, (2) mutual spiritual help among spouses and (3) morally regulated satisfaction of the urge for sexual activity.
The first purpose is established just after God created man and woman. It was his first command of them: "Be fruitful, multiply and fill the earth." (Gen. 1:28)
The second purpose is the mutual journey toward spiritual perfection; the couple's mutual love and unity. It is the primary purpose of marriage; the ascertainment of Paradise is life's ultimate goal. "Let us make him a help like unto himself." (Gen 2:18)
The third is found in 1 Cor 7:2, taught by Paul: "For fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife, let every woman have her own husband."

May God bless you. May God's Graces shower you. May He bless me, and shower me with graces as well as the courage to spread His message that seems to be so very "un-politically correct" and unpopular in our secular society.