Oprah has worn her welcome in my life; I'm tired of her. That's why it's surprising that I set my TiVo to record an episode of the Oprah show last week because of the topical promotion that I saw airing during one of the Olympic coverage commercial breaks: "Why Did I Get Married?" It ended up being a re-run of a show that was released when Tyler Perry's movie by the same title was about to be relased in theatres. Still... the show was not entirely about the movie.
The show: Four couples who had been married for different periods of time were brought on to talk about why they got married. One couple, married nearly 12 years got married at 23 because the woman was pregnant. They have 3 children now and say they keep their marriage alive with "hotel sex." What a lovely detail to broadcast on national television. Another couple was married for 1.5 years; both people were in their mid to early 40's. Because of their ages they had a baby right off the bat. Couple number 3 was married for 3 years, and went the 'modern-day' traditional route of date several years, get engaged, get married... and the last couple was made up of two divorcees who were 50+ and wanted companionship.
The main theme among all of the married people on that stage was, when you get down to it, they got married for companionship, fulfillment, a sense of "family," and other relationship cliches. Far too little of the show was dedicated to this topic. The rest was spent in meaningless banter with the movie's writer and stars (typical Oprah... reel you in with the promise of some meaning and fill the rest with useless fluff... like a purse on the shelf at a store... it looks GREAT with all that filler paper in it...).
It got me thinking... why did I get married? When I became pregnant with Holland, I was "congratulated" by an ex-boyfriend with this statement: "You've always wanted to get married and have a baby. I'm happy for you." Wow. The first thought that went through my head when he said that to me was "You don't know me at all! I'm so glad you're an EX!" ...I was surprised to become engaged when I did because I'd come to the decision that I wasn't interested in "pairing off;" that life would be simpler and possibly happier going the singles track like my sister and uncle have done. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified and a little sad; selfishly I wanted to wait a few more years before adding a munchkin to the picture, if we ever did at all.
There is, I believe, a deep need for most of we mere humans to pair up and find someone to love; caring for ourselves alone is not nearly as fulfilling as caring for someone else. If you are one of those with the deep-seeded need to take care of someone and be taken care of by someone, no "decision" to go-it-alone will stick. Eventually you will find your match.
So, why did I get married? For the typical relationship cliches... love, companionship, fulfillment and a sense of family. The same reasons people date, kiss, allow themselves to fall in love, have their hearts broken and try again.
...now, picking the right person to marry? Oh, that's another topic altogether...
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Great topic! I think people also shy away from the true essence of what a marriage is supposed to be about, and with whom, just so they can get a fancy dress and throw the quintessential party for all their friends to see. I too thought the single route was going to be for me, as I had entered an abusive, nonfunctional relationship...for 2 years, nonetheless, until I decided being alone was way better than that. Out of the blue, true to the cliche...life is what happens while you're planning other things...I was set up to meet someone's brother-in-law, and it was the most organic and strong force of nature that I've ever felt. In one shake of his hand, this rush overcame my entire body and told me this guy was to be not only my husband, but father of my children, which I had decided was not going to be for me. Now looking back, I had no idea what life had or has in store for me. I cannot imagine my life without my daughter. In fact, she healed the very part of me that continued to want to tear me down. My husband is this great guy who gave me Lilly, and she wouldn't be Lilly if I had made her with any other person but my husband. He truly is my best friend and knows me for the good and bad. I want to wring his neck sometimes, but he also knows that I can be short sighted and lets me get away with it. I think marriage has to be give and take, good and bad, and push and pull. It is a divine relationship that surpasses any other commitments you'll make in your life, and with the blessings of God, you'll be able to see it through. You will be the mirror for each other to learn and grow as people. And along the way, you may find that you actually love the journey, even if it seemed impossible at the time. I think that is the reason for marriage, in stereotypical fashion...it's all about the journey.
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